


white lilies

by rinneqan



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, F/M, Mild Blood, Miscarriage, Rokudaime Hatake Kakashi, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26585683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rinneqan/pseuds/rinneqan
Summary: white lilies, the sympathy flower, represents purity, commitment, and rebirth. you and kakashi were torn. how could things end up so horribly?
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 48





	white lilies

After Kakashi had found out about your pregnancy, he became extra careful. You spent days holed up in the Hokage office with him because he was afraid of you getting hurt. He removed you from missions in fear that you would hurt yourself or the child you were carrying. If he couldn’t be around you, he would ask close friends to keep you company for the day while he was gone. Was he over bearing? Yes, but you appreciated his concern for you.

The day before, Kakashi had told you that he would be gone for the day and would be back in the evening due to village meetings. When you woke up that morning, you saw Kakashi about to leave. He heard the yawn that escaped your lips and turned to you. You smiled at him. 

"Good morning. I’ll be back later, okay?"

You hummed in response.

"Be careful, Y/N. I love you." 

"I love you too." 

Kakashi walked out of your shared bedroom and out the front door. Once you hear the soft click of the door shutting, you closed your eyes again, opting to sleep in. 

When you had awoken, the sun was fully blaring through your windows and the heat gently warmed your skin. You looked at the clock on your bedside table. It was already noon, and you decided that the start of your day was long overdue. As you walked into the kitchen, the soft steps of your feet were the only thing heard. Usually, Kakashi would have you meet a friend, but decided that you could stay alone. You found solace in the silence and emptiness as this would never be found again. You were content. 

The bright sunlight and liveliness of nature enticed you and you found yourself making your way out to the backyard. One of the things Kakashi allowed you to do freely was garden and you graciously accepted his offer. The act of caring for your plants was reminiscent of a mother caring for her children and you gladly took this as experience. You grabbed your watering can and began to water the growing buds. 

Suddenly, an excruciating pain struck your stomach. With each drop of water that left the watering can, the pain intensified and spread throughout your abdomen. It beat on your body like a drum and began to become unbearable. The watering can, once held in your hands, dropped the the ground and you rushed to the bathroom. You slammed the door shut behind you, locking it and quickly removing your pants. Your heart seemed to drop and your stomach churned. Rivulets of blood flowed down your thighs. Shaky hands slowly reached out and touched the warm crimson liquid that flowed out of you. Tears began to well in your eyes and a scream ripped from your throat. Blood continued to pour out of you and pool onto the floor. Guttural cries echoed throughout the house and filled every empty crevice.

The harsh bathroom lights coupled with your erratic breathing, ultimately became too much for you and you soon fell unconscious. 

* * *

Echoes of loud banging against the bathroom door jolted you awake. Dread filled your stomach. 

"Y/N! Open the door! Are you okay?" 

"Please don't come in. Just leave." 

Your voice was hoarse and quiet. 

"Please open the door! What happened?" 

The doorknob began to jiggle and you couldn't find a way to get him away from you.

"Kakashi, please just leave me alone! Leave right now!"

Your voice cracked and your cries were heard from behind the door. Kakashi couldn't understand why you were pushing him away. Did he do something? Concern filled his being and he had begun to pick the lock on the door. Your eyes darted to the doorknob with your body weakly trying to get to the door and prevent him from coming in. Your arms flailed out in hopes to reach the door, but ultimately failed and fell to the ground once again. The man stepped in and was in shock at the sight before him. 

"Y/N." 

His eyebrows were furrowed and you began crying hysterically. The dried blood was caked on your limbs and the floor. You face was swollen and puffy and you looked up at him with a certain hopelessness that he had never seen on you. You sobbed incoherent apologies. 

"Kakashi, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry."

You held onto his shirt as your tears soaked the material. He rubbed soothing circles into your back and surveyed the scene. The amount of anguish heard in your sobs broke his heart. A certain emptiness made its home within the both of you. The silver-haired ninja placed a kiss on your forehead. Tears began to well up in his eyes. Kakashi grabbed a towel from under the sink and dampened it. He gently cleansed your skin of the dried blood. While he cleaned your body, he gently soothed you with calming words. 

"It’s okay, Y/N. You did nothing wrong." 

* * *

The next morning, you awoke to an all consuming empty feeling. Numb was an understatement to how you felt. It was almost as if someone had placed a greyscale lens over your eyes. All of your senses were dulled out. The sunlight that sneaked into the bedroom felt like nothing. There was no warmth. You stretched your hand out next to you and Kakashi was missing. Your eyes gazed up at the ceiling and an overwhelming amount of emotions came pouring down on you.

As tears fell from your eyes, you stood up and rushed into the living room. Through glassy eyes, you could barely make out the figure on the couch as you stood from the hallway. He has heard the thumps of your footsteps and knew you were there. He stood up, wrapped his arms around you, and led you to the couch as you cried. 

"Is there something wrong with me Kakashi? We were so happy... What did we do wrong? You were so excited, Kakashi. Maybe if was more happy, this wouldn’t have happened."

Your fists gathered his shirt in your hands. Kakashi stayed silent. The void that had opened inside of him ate away at him and he couldn’t imagine how much more traumatizing it was for you. Would your miscarriage still have happened if he stayed home instead of attending meetings? Was he too focused on work rather than you? Why did he leave you alone and not send someone to look after you? He couldn’t help but blame himself and you two were both trying to understand and cope with the sudden loss of your unborn child.

"You did nothing wrong, Y/N. This isn’t your fault."

You looked at him with tear stained cheeks and hugged him. The only thing the both of you knew how to do was be there for each other. 

The days went on and waking up became a chore for you. Every morning Kakashi would wake you up and try to get you to eat. You rarely ate and it was an accomplishment to see you take a spoonful of rice. Kakashi continued his duties as Hokage and tried to get you out of the house more. Whenever your eyes would fall onto a happy couple along with their children, anger and jealousy festered within you and caused tears. Your days were usually spent inside, huddled away and sitting in the dark bedroom. Seeing Kakashi being able to bounce back made you envious.

How could he move on so fast? 

It was a thought that frequently popped up in your mind and you genuinely questioned it. Were you taking too long to grieve? Why was everyone else moving along so fast, leaving you in the dust? 

When Kakashi came home that night, you were wound up. Once he entered the bedroom to check on you, you dropped it on him. 

"Did you even care?"

His eyebrows furrowed. 

"Care about what?" 

Your voice faltered and got quieter.

"The baby. Did you care at all?" 

He looked at you in disbelief. 

"Of course I did Y/N. Why would you think otherwise?"

"If you cared so much, then why am I still hurting and in pain? Why can’t I be normal again, Kakashi? How could you move on so quickly?"

Your tone raised and it caught him off guard. 

"Y/N. That was **our** child. You aren’t the only one still grieving. I can’t just stop being Hokage. I’m trying my best to stay strong for you. It’s the only thing I can do."

"Why can’t I move on then? If you can do it, why can’t I?!" 

You ran up to him and beat on his chest. 

"Why is that I’m the only one still crying, Kakashi? Why is it just me?!" 

He looked at your flushed face as you crumpled around his legs. He knelt down and wiped away your tears. 

"Y/N, when you told me you were pregnant, I was elated. It was such an exciting moment. I was finally creating a family with the girl that I’ve always loved. When I saw you sitting in the restroom, do you know how afraid I was? Seeing you in distress made my heart drop and all I wanted to know was if you were okay." 

He spoke in hushed tones to avoid further conflict. His arms wrapped around your hunched figure and held you close.

"It felt like a sudden hole opened inside of me and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t comprehend the situation and I blamed myself for leaving that day. I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in, but I want you to know that I’m here for you. I promised you that I would stick by your side forever, and I’m not breaking that promise. There’s nothing wrong with you. You didn’t do anything wrong. These things happen and they’re unexplainable."

Your cries eventually became sniffles and you stabilized your breathing.

"I’m sorry, Kakashi. I just feel so alone."

"There’s no need to be sorry. I wish i would’ve been more attentive and opened up sooner." 

Exhaustion began to creep up on you and your eyes began to droop. 

"I love you so much Kakashi."

Before you could fall asleep in his arms, a kiss was placed on your forehead.

"I love you, Y/N."

* * *

The next morning you awoke to arms wrapped around your torso. You looked around the room and felt the weight on your chest lighten up. Your skin felt the warmth of the sun and the pictures decorating the bedroom walls didn’t seem so drab anymore. 

You looked at Kakashi as he woke up and he smiled at you. He could tell by the way that you looked at him that something was on your mind.

"What’s wrong?"

"Kakashi, I want to do this together. I don’t want to feel alone anymore."

He placed a hand on your hip and traced shapes with his fingers. 

"We will get through this. You will never feel alone anymore."

Later that day, Kakashi followed you around the village and around the house partaking in the activities that you used to love. You were still sensitive, but the fact that you were holding it together and actively tried to make amends made Kakashi extremely proud. He could even see it in your posture; you were less hunched over and stood with your shoulders back. 

As the day was coming to an end, you decided to make your way back home. Before the two of you could head back, Kakashi quickly led you to the flower shop and bought a white lily plant. 

"I remember you loved to garden. I wanted to add a new addition to our backyard."

You sent a beaming smile at him. 

You never took a look at the garden after your miscarriage. You expected all the plants to be shriveled and dried, but were met with lush green plants. Flowers bloomed and you were confused. 

"Did you take care of the garden, Kakashi?" 

He hummed in response and you led him to the gardening tools. 

Once you had planted the white lilies, you stood back and leaned on Kakashi. 

"It’s a nice addition Y/N." 

"It really is." 

You slipped off your gardening gloves and placed them on the ground. You looked at the man standing next to you and shot a genuine smile at him. 

"You’re the strongest person I know, Y/N. We will get though this." 

"Together?"

You held out your pinkie for a promise and he gladly accepted.

" _ **Together.**_ "


End file.
